SITE MAKEOVER

Hi there! I'm so thrilled to share my new site! It took me 2 hours to do the makeover (as I had to adjust the number of columns, etc.)
Thank you for visiting me today! Have a nice weekend!

Nurse Jackie

Finally! A show through the eyes of a nurse! Nurse Jackie is hilarious! =)

Have you tried this my fellow nurses?

Remembering my Grandpa Phil

(Grandpa Phil passed away last July 6,2008. This was my eulogy during the memorial service. )

I WAS GROWING UP KNOWING THAT I HAD A GRANDFATHER SOMEWHERE IN ILOILO… ALL I KNEW WAS,  HE WAS MY DAD’S FATHER, HE’S A DOCTOR,  HE HAS A TOTAL OF SEVENTEEN CHILDREN, AND HE WOULD BE HOW MY DAD WOULD LOOK LIKE WHEN HE’S 94.

I WAS IN MY COLLEGE DAYS WHEN I FIRST RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIM. HE TOLD ME HE READ A LETTER THAT I WROTE FOR — I GUESS ONE OF MY AUNTS– AND HE SAID HE LOVED MY LETTER AND WISHED THAT HE GETS ONE LIKE THAT TOO. AT THAT TIME, HE WAS PRACTICALLY A STRANGER TO ME. BUT HIS LETTER GAVE ME A GLIMPSE OF THE KIND OF PERSON HE WAS—SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME AND CARES FOR ME.

FOUR YEARS AGO, WHEN I FIRST STEPPED INTO AMERICAN SOIL, MY FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH LOLO PHIL HAPPENED DURING THE BABY SHOWER OF TITA DIDING HELD IN HER APARTMENT IN PASADENA. I SAW AN OLD MAN WEARING A CAP, SOMEONE WHO INDEED LOOKS LIKE MY DAD BUT OLDER AND THINNER, SMILING AT ME THE MINUTE I WALKED THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. BUT I WAS SCARED TO GO TO HIM AT FIRST, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY. SO I SORT OF DELAYED A BIT IN APPROACHING HIM. HE MUST’VE GUESSED, BECAUSE THE MINUTE I SAT BESIDE HIM AND KISSED HIM ON THE CHEEK, HE NEVER LOST A SECOND TO START TELLING ME STORIES… HE ASKED ME ABOUT OUR HOUSE IN CAINTA, ABOUT KARL AND AIMEE, ABOUT MAMA AND DADA. HE SHOWED INTEREST IN EVERY ANSWER I GAVE HIM. I STARED AT HIM IN AWE OF HOW SHARP AND HOW IMPRESSIVE HIS MEMORY WAS. MY HEART WAS POUNDING. I AM GETTING TO KNOW MY GRANDFATHER AT LAST. AT THAT INITIAL MOMENT, I FELT HIS LOVE. IT WASN’T HARD TO LOVE HIM BACK DURING THOSE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF OUR CONVERSATION.

I HAVE ONLY KNOWN LOLO PHIL FOR FOUR YEARS. BUT HE TAUGHT ME A LOT OF LIFE LESSONS THAT I SHALL TREASURE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. HIS STORIES ABOUT MY DAD WERE HILARIOUS – AND THEY’RE VERY GOOD MATERIALS FOR ME TO TAUNT AND TORTURE MY DAD. THANK YOU, LOLO. 

OF THE NUMEROUS LESSONS IN LIFE HE TAUGHT ME, I LEARNED SO MANY  OF THE PRICELESS ONES DURING HIS LAST FEW DAYS.  HE GAVE ME THE BEST EXAMPLE OF SELF-SACRIFICE. HE LOVED US SO MUCH, HE WOULD STILL THINK ABOUT US AND NOT HIMSELF. THE COUNTLESS TIMES I ASKED HIM IF HE’S IN PAIN, HE COMPLETELY DENIED… AND YET MY PROFESSIONAL TRAINING WOULD HINT OTHERWISE. FOR I HAVE SEEN PAIN IN THE EYES OF MY PATIENTS, AND I KNEW HIS WAS EXTREME. AND YET, JUST BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT ME TO WORRY MORE, HE WOULD MANAGE A SMILE. AND IF HE’S STRONG ENOUGH, CRACK A LITTLE JOKE, AND THEN TRY HARD TO HIDE HOW HE REALLY FELT.

THERE’S ALSO THAT LESSON ABOUT MY BEING A NURSE. JUST TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE BACKGROUND, I WAS FORCED INTO THIS COURSE BY MY DAD (WHO TAKES PRIDE IN TELLING ME I OWE HIM A BIG DEAL NOW). I TRIED TO EVADE BECOMING A NURSE THE VERY FIRST DAY I GRADUATED. EVEN AS I AM STILL WORKING AS A NURSE, I AM NOT CONFIDENT THAT I FIT INTO IT. IT’S ONLY WHEN LOLO GOT REALLY SICK THAT I REALIZED GOD’S WISDOM- OF WHY I AM A NURSE.

LOLO PHIL TOLD ME, THAT HE FEELS SAFER WHEN I’M WATCHING HIM. THAT HE KNOWS I’M GOING TO DRAW ALL HELL LOOSE IF HE DOESN’T GET THE SPECIAL CARE FROM THE NURSES. HE SAID THAT I WAS EVEN DOING A BETTER JOB THAN THE ICU NURSES… THAT BEING A NURSE FIT ME, AND THAT IT WAS INDEED MY TRUE CALLING. HE WAS APPRECIATING EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I DID FOR HIM – FROM HELPING HIM TURN FROM SIDE TO SIDE, GIVING HIM THE BEDPAN, CLEANING HIM UP, ETC.  –AS IF HE KNEW HE WAS THANKING ME FOR THE LAST TIME… LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW… LIKE HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT WHEN I COME BACK. I ALWAYS END UP CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP WHEN I GO HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL, SO AFRAID TO BE AWAY FROM HIM AND NOT PROTECT HIM- KNOWING THAT HE MIGHT GO ANYTIME. LOLO PHIL CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE—HE MADE NURSING VERY PERSONAL TO ME.

AND THAT DREADFUL DAY CAME… AND SO HERE WE ARE… HONORING A MAN WHOM I HAVE KNOWN FOR MERELY FOUR YEARS— A SHORT TIME COMPARED TO MOST OF HIS GRANDCHILDREN, BUT ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE ME LOVE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE.

ALL I WANT TO SAY TO YOU LOLO IS, YOU HAVE NOW GAINED A PRIZE THAT IS FAR GREATER THAN WHAT YOU COULD’VE WON, BUYING ALL THOSE 2 DOLLAR LOTTO TICKETS FOR 24 YEARS. IT’S A NO-BRAINER FOR ST PETER, YOU DESERVE A MANSION WITHIN THE GATES OF HEAVEN. NOW THAT YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, KEEP SMILING OVER US, LOLO. THOUGH YOU HAVE LEFT SUCH A HUGE VOID IN MY HEART FOR LEAVING US – AND FOR THAT I SHALL MISS YOU TERRIBLY– THE THOUGHT THAT YOU ARE NOW HAPPY AND PEACEFUL –WITHOUT PAIN AND SUFFERING – THAT WARMS MY HEART…  THAT KEEPS ME GOING.

         THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING AND SHARING OUR LOVE WITH LOLO PHIL. GOD BLESS .

Simply,

The Road I Dared Travel

Four Blocks from where time now stood…
I was the young traveler, with fervor, yet flaring
Amongst the crossroads, whatever I have chosen, 
would be
The path where my dreams and my destiny be meeting.
Youth binds my heart with dreams of my own
Which in no hesitation am I prepared to reach
With determination and support from my folks,
The wisdom of my teachers, and the
hand of God I beseech…
Then I caught sight of other hopeful travelers
Making their way towards the bend
I suddenly found my path entwined with theirs
And not for long, I made friends.
Along the way we gathered tools which we’ll be needing
Tools invaluable as knowledge, skills, 
patience, and tender caring.
The now perplexed, young traveler went towards 
the narrow road called "nursing",
With many sets of footprints in two directions 
revealing to and fro…

I wondered, can I make it to where I ought to go?
The second block had more rocks and bends
The third, with dust that would cause tears in the eyes..
Pain and the numerous times I fell and hit the ground,
At the brink of giving up, I raise my arms to the skies…
Then friends would help me stand up and say
"Come on! It’s still a long way!"…
Twas only then that I realized, 
time taught me how to pray.
Rock by rock, pit by pit, patient by patient.
The road is indeed tough, and the hardship evident,
But every caring deed we made, our patients recalled
Though there were times that some might forget
The gentle touch, the smile we made, 
the loving care rendered..
Nursing has taught us not to regret
For deep in our hearts we always knew 
the Lord remembered…
The fourth block, should have been 
the last block after "nursing"
And we are now standing beneath the sign…
Lo and behold, more crossroads, 
and more steeper bends…
The road of nursing, we thought had end…
Had only begun, with memories rend
Four blocks from where we now stood….
We carry on, where we should…..

Prayers Can Move Mountains

For all those afflicted by the recent disasters:
Massive Flooding in the Philippines,
Earthquake in Indonesia
and Tsunami in Samoa ...
May God be with you during these difficult times.




Simply,

NURSE RHYMES

written august 1, 2006 in my journal...

               You know what rhymes with nurse? Worse! …. hahaha, very funny… But it’s not funny when you’re the one rendering care, and the receiving end of such care thinks otherwise….despite your efforts….despite her unending demand and your desperate attempts to please….. You thought she would be happy afterwards? No. Instead, she’ll look at you, from head to toe, blaming you because she feels worse…. blaming the nurse for everything, in fact…..why she got sick, why her mother didn’t come to visit….why she’s in financial hell…. why her pain never got away after the last pill you gave….then goes the vicious words coming from her stale mouth …. and where do such words hit you? Ahhhh…the nurse should know how to handle it… we’re superhuman….we are shielded with the cloth of patience and understanding…. it’s nothing personal, you say to yourself…she’s very sick…..poor thing….

               Purse…. yeah…it rhymes… it does compensate… whoa….way too many choices of attractive bonuses…. and wow! during recruitment, they treat you like a princess…you get lured… you get hitched… and boom…. before you know it…you’re there…working….. all of a sudden, you’re not a princess anymore… you’re some slave that they expect you to work despite their violation of patient ratios…. you are supposed to be competent, so even though you’re overworked, there’s no room for mistakes….No no no no no…. A mistake will mean lawsuit… not that it matters that you got so tired because you couldn’t take a break even though it’s mandatory….not that you have so many distractions…You made a mistake…period… okay…you’re warned… what? another mistake? you’re suspended….oh no… a third mistake, we have to report you to the board of nursing…. this is too much… you’re fired… and oh, the Board Of Nursing says, you can’t work for 6 months….for a year…forever… oh well…

               Curse… a burned out nurse would definitely agree… one who worked long enough not to care anymore …… I marvel at some nurses who lost their passion….. yet I can’t blame them… they’re like lifeless robots… just working……oh, the nurse assistant was trembling when she reported that the BP of the patient was 210/106… a bored look from the nurse, then said, "don’t worry, he’s DNR (do not resuscitate) anyway."…. I gasped in disbelief…but do I really become this person once I worked the years away? How often does this tired person work? ten twelve-hour shifts in two weeks..different hospitals all over the country in fact…. She has survived the rampage, the jungle…. but she’s lifeless now….

I can’t think of anything else that rhymes with nurse at this time… Two years working in California…… has made me ten years older…. sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it… But i hesitate to look at it as a burned out nurse would…. I push myself so hard into accepting every thorn in my heart…. but I’m only human…I cry…no, I weep…. no, I breakdown…. I seek relief as I silently shed those tears in the chapel after a hard days work… Dear Lord, I’m not strong…. Surely there’s another way….but only when I’m weak that Your Power is made known….

               When you stare in the eyes of death more than any living creature does, it consumes your very being…..it’s not that you get tired…and that after some sleep, you regain your strength…. no, not like that at all… You get drained, because you spent all your energy tugging your patient on the side of life… but in the back of your mind, you know that when death becomes determined, no skill, no knowledge, no technology, nothing can change it’s course…. there’s only….remorse….

               A patient died in my care last night…It’s the third time somebody dies in my care in all the combined years I worked as a nurse at bedside ( not that I’m a good nurse, it’s only because I was lucky enough that my patients die in other shifts or when I’m off….for which I solely believe to be the Lord being kind enough to hear my frequent prayer prior to working:"Lord, please don’t let any of my patients die in my care tonight. Let it be a night of life for them.")…My profession would’ve made me numb to death…. I should expect death….but I don’t…. I expect life…. all the time…. call me naive….or insane… or a fool….but I am just that……I always expect life even in the face of death…..silly me….. so when death happens, there’s no shield to protect me…. I die inside…. ahhhh yes….you think I should be in a different career….yes, I think so too….or I’ll be 80 years old when I’m 40….

               Can you think of other words that rhymes with nurse? I can’t anymore…. Other words are entering my mind, and they don’t rhyme with nurse….

LOVE….. COMPASSION…. PERSEVERANCE………HEALING…..DISCIPLE… 

GOD’S HANDS……it goes on and on…. they’re all beautiful and inspiring…

I pray that those words that enter your mind, rhyme or not, are as beautiful as mine…….

PS… that’s why I seldom write poems… I’m bad at rhymes….

Simply,